


bright light and indigo shadows

by monyaka



Series: Maybe Interactive 2020 December Prompts [2]
Category: Kill Your Boss (Visual Novel)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Maybe Interactive 2020 December Prompts, Multi, Nightmares, Polyamory, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:41:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27840004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monyaka/pseuds/monyaka
Summary: a year after the events of kill your boss, alex, riam, and noah are all still trying to get used to their unlikely partnership. no one had expected alex to choose more than one guy, but there are always two queens on a chessboard, even if they're not always on your side.
Relationships: Riam Zimmer/Alex Miller/Noah Young
Series: Maybe Interactive 2020 December Prompts [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2035726
Comments: 6
Kudos: 8





	1. a dog at my feet

**Author's Note:**

> i might be getting in over my head here, but this is the riam/alex/noah fic i've been wanting to write ever since finishing riam's route. i love riam and noah and i think it's only fair that they both get to survive. so here it is, my first real multi-chapter fic.

**_don’t close your eyes. don’t close your eyes. don’t fucking close your eyes._ **

_ he kept saying it over and over, a frightened chant as his cold hands kept swiping matted hair off the other’s clammy forehead. he had been strong enough to haul him into the car, but he wasn’t strong enough to watch him die. _

**_fuck, fuck, fuck._** _he could hear noah cursing under his breath as he fired the last few rounds from his gun and nodded firmly to riam. alex couldn’t help but wonder when the two of them got so close that they could communicate without words. but he didn’t have time to keep thinking. the car peeled away, and he was left there whispering._ ** _don’t go. you can’t. not like this._**

_ and the guy just smiled and traced alex’s hair with his weak fingers. his blood stained the agent’s hair a rusty orange, and alex sobbed and slapped him. across the cheek, once, twice, three times. and with every slap, he would cry harder. because even as much as he was trying to keep logan awake, there was no saving someone who had made his peace with death. _

**_it’s okay. like this, you can be free._ **

free? what the hell would freedom mean without you? _ that’s what he had wanted to say, but he’d caught sight of noah in the corner of his eye, who had been watching him with so much tender sadness that he felt his throat seize up. and riam was driving, steadfastly, without even sparing the two men a glance but with his hands clenched too tight around the wheel. _

**_hey._ ** _ logan had spoken again, slit eyes trained on the shape of riam’s shoulders.  _ **_take care of him, okay? you better fucking take care of him. hear me?_ **

_ and riam didn’t look back even then.  _ **_i’d rather die than honour a promise to a mutt like you._ ** _ logan laughed at that, sick, harrowed laughter that echoed around the small space of the car. and riam looked up at the rearview mirror with his eyes dark and conflicted.  _ **_harris. sleep well._ **

_ it might have been alex’s imagination, but there seemed to be remorse in his voice. like he’d wanted to say he wished that their relationship were different, that they were more like brothers than they acted. that even if he’d hated logan, he respected him. that he had never wanted to hate logan, and that pride had stopped the both of them from seeing each other as family. _

_ but he hadn’t said anything. no one ever says anything when it’s important, do they? because as logan laid there dying, alex wasn’t saying anything, and neither was he. the last moment the two had shared was when logan wiped a tear off alex’s cheek and placed it delicately on his own lips. and then his eyes closed, and his breathing stopped. and that was when alex started to scream. _

“hey… hey, alex. hey.”

alex’s throat hurts. that’s the first thing he notices. and the second thing he notices is the way his breath is choked with tears, and when he tries to move, he feels cold and heavy. 

“don’t move.”

the voice is so sweet and soft that alex can’t help but obey. he keeps lying there, stock-still, staring at the ceiling like he can’t tell if it’s the roof of the car. he smells blood, but he doesn’t know if it’s his imagination. but it’s cold, just like it was then, and he shivers once before a shadow looms over him. it’s noah’s face, blocking the light from the bulb. and he places a soft, soft kiss on alex’s lips. it’s odourless, colourless, like poison. but when alex closes his eyes and waits for it to kill him, he can’t feel anything but sunshine in his lungs, expanding and making him feel alive. or maybe that’s what the poison is for: to expel the darkness within him.

but just as soon as noah’s come up for the kiss, he’s gone again, tracing the tip of alex’s exposed toe with an impish finger. he’s staring at alex, and alex can’t help but huff out an exasperated laugh as he tries and fails to move his injured leg. there’s a cast on it, and he wishes it were from something heroic, like when riam had messed up his leg shielding him from the building’s collapse. but he’d broken his ankle after a fall down the stairs, something stupid and preventable. still, though, it’s a reason for him to stay in bed, and he finds that he wants to do that more often than not anyway.

riam and noah always worry about him when he’s in bed. they come in and fuss around like annoying puppies. riam comes in with food, and alex lets the dish grow cold. noah comes in with a chessboard, and he slaps the game out of his hand. but sometimes,  _ sometimes, _ noah finds opportunities to sneak in when alex is asleep, to run his hand carefully through his blond hair and marvel in alex’s presence. he sits there rocking back and forth in the chair to keep alex company. and sometimes alex will feel the weight of riam getting into bed beside him, and he knows that’s to keep him company too.

he tries to tell himself he doesn’t want company, but he knows in his heart of hearts that he does. that he wants  _ their _ company. riam and noah, two men who love him so much, even when he doesn’t deserve it.

but noah’s love is like a puppy’s, with his warm eyes and eager affection. his love looks like when he wickedly waves the marker he’s holding and doodles hearts on alex’s cast. “asshole,” alex says, and he sits up to look at the markings better. “you’re a little shit, you know that?”

“i’m  _ your _ little shit,” says noah, and the words carry so much pride that alex’s heart starts to ache.

“whatever. draw a king next.” it still surprises him, how noah gets to work immediately, like he can’t refuse a single thing alex asks. the blond reaches over and tangles his fingers affectionately in his partner’s hair, admiring his face while he works. it’s comfortable, watching as he meticulously draws the chess piece from memory, feeling the softness of each lock of noah’s hair, sitting there with nothing but the scratch of a marker on a cast to keep them company.

_ i love you, _ alex thinks, but he doesn’t say it. after all, no one ever says anything when it’s important.


	2. crown of cardboard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> taken from my notes for the december prompts: "riam and alex go to burger king and alex crowns him the king of burgers. yes, i am serious."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen. you CANNOT tell me that riam in a burger king isn't the funniest shit you've ever seen

normally, alex thinks, riam wouldn’t be caught dead in a place like burger king. he’s the sort of guy who’s always focused on what he calls the finer things in life — well-done steaks and aged whiskey and suits made of expensive material. but he’s sitting next to alex in the booth — with noah complaining that riam takes up so much space that alex is probably squished sitting next to him — wearing a polo shirt and shorts. and by all accounts, after a year of living with him and noah, alex should be used to seeing him like that, but he can’t help but lean on the table and cup his cheek in his hand and watch him.

theoretically, noah’s right. they should have planned out their seating arrangements better. but alex likes window seats and riam had simply sat next to him, leaving noah to slide in across from alex and feed him fries from his meal. but alex is restless, and when riam frowns and mentions that they’ve run out of napkins, alex is already clambering over the other to get more. 

it’s an old habit of his, he figures, always being on edge like this. always needing to move, to not stay in the same place for too long. after he’d broken his leg and stayed in bed, after spending the better half of the year unable to do basic things to move around, he’s grown even more restless now that his foot has healed. and even besides that, he finds that when he gets too comfortable, bad things tend to happen. he gets attached and he has to betray others. people die. and he sees them in his nightmares. and maybe there’s no real harm in sitting for half an hour in a burger king with the two men he loves most in the world, but doing this, being able to walk around and hold things in his hands, it soothes him. it reminds him of cooking for hailey, makes him feel like he deserves (even if it’s just a little bit) the love that riam and noah shower upon him.

but when he goes to get the napkins, his eyes fall on something else. it’s one of those shitty little cardboard crowns, and as he picks one up, as he looks over to where riam is sitting with his back ramrod-straight and his brow furrowed as he tries to elegantly eat a burger made with reject meat, alex can’t help but smile. the guy likes to act perfect, like a well-oiled clockwork machine. he eats at the same time every day, always keeps his portions exactly measured, irons his clothes so there isn’t a wrinkle to be found in them. and alex thinks,  _ hey, if he’s getting me out of my comfort zone, why not return the favour? _

so when he returns to the table and deposits the napkins on the surface, the first words out of his mouth are a challenge. “zimmer. hey, riam. how many of those can you eat, huh?”

“what?”

it’s funny, alex thinks, how riam sits with his shoulders locked and his face like stone, how he can’t even loosen up when he’s sitting in a burger king, when he’s got his fingers in a sandwich and isn’t elegantly cutting a steak. and he finds it funny, too, that riam speaks with a crease in his brow, furiously trying to understand what his boyfriend’s motives are. and noah perks up, like a little dog that’s realized that its master wants to play a game of fetch. “alex wants to know how many burgers you can eat.”

“…i’ve never counted.” the words are hilariously measured, and alex eyes riam with an adoring kind of mischief, hooking the paper crown around his finger and twirling it, around and around and around. that forces the older man to look away from him, but miller doesn’t concede so easily; he grabs riam’s chin and forces him to look, smiles languidly in a way that makes a bead of sweat drip down riam’s collar. 

noah sighs, takes a bite of his own burger and stares at the menu. alex knows that he and riam don’t always get along, but neither of them are willing to stand down and leave alex. in his opinion, it’s something for them to sort out on their own. he’s never been a peacemaker, never been the kind of guy to get involved in things he doesn’t need to be involved in. he’s not nosy, and maybe that’s why he’d gotten into this mess in the first place. because he’d never questioned aria, never thought that there was anything ahead of him but the end goal. he’d do this one little favour for her, and then he and hailey would be home free in the meadows she always liked to paint.

riam shuffles in place and awkwardly hands alex his credit card. “we can find out, if you would like.”

it’s at that moment that noah chokes around a bite of his burger, and alex smiles wide and snatches the card right out of his hand. like if he doesn’t move lightning-quick, that riam will change his mind. and as he saunters off, noah cracks a smile at riam. “you’re going to regret this.”

“i know.”

alex comes back with five whoppers, and noah snickers when riam’s face pales at the sight. “well, chop-chop,” says the youngest with a smug grin. “i thought you said you you’d do anything for alex’s happiness.”

riam shoots the man a sharp glare, but noah just grins wider. and his eyes become especially teasing once he sees the look on riam’s face as alex climbs right back over riam’s lap and sticks the credit card haphazardly back in zimmer’s pocket. riam has to wipe his hands, sighing heavily, and place the credit card back in its proper spot in his wallet. and it leaves alex to think about how much riam’s changed in this past year. how he’s started to loosen up and let himself be more than just grayson’s heir, more than just a kid sold as a slave now overcompensating so he can feel worthy. a year ago, he wouldn’t be sitting here staring down five whoppers with that shocked look plastered all over his handsome features. a year ago, he wouldn’t even have set foot in here; not with alex, and certainly not with noah. and alex thinks to himself, a year ago, he himself wouldn’t be scooting closer to riam and linking arms with him.

no, a year ago, alex was bedridden and having nightmares every night. a year ago, he’d throw shit at two guys who were just trying their best to help him. a year ago, noah was playing doctor to the both of them, because riam wouldn’t take his rest for how worried he was about the blond-haired bastard who wouldn’t keep his food down. and sure, neither of them hate him for it, both of them would do it again in a heartbeat for him. but that’s just the problem.

alex doesn’t deserve it.

not their love, not their support, and not this shitty little whopper challenge. and when riam gingerly picks up the first of the five, alex is left to wonder if riam knows how guilty he feels, and if that’s why he’s doing this stupid dare.

“you can have the crown if you eat all of them.” 

that’s what alex ends up blurting out, and riam looks at the cheap cardboard prize miller has tucked under his arm. and alex can tell that he doesn’t really care for it, nor does he really want it, but he looks over to his boyfriend and his eyes are faltering. “um… alright. i’ll try to win the crown.”

“mind if i start recording?” when alex turns his head, he finds that noah’s already pulled out his phone to do just that. whether riam actually manages to do it or ends up getting them kicked out of the restaurant, it seems noah’s going to immortalize that in his phone storage. alex doesn’t doubt that noah’s hoping riam will embarrass himself, but he nudges noah’s foot with his own under the table to stop him from saying anything outright. alex wants to see riam try this, after all.

twenty minutes later, they’re on their way home. though riam had been the one to drive them there, noah’s taken the initiative this time. after all, riam is currently indisposed, groaning in pain as he rests his head in alex’s lap. the cardboard crown atop his head is askance, and noah has to suppress his laughter every time he looks at the two men in the rearview mirror. “shut up and drive,” alex says, and noah laughs in response. “you’re seriously not going to delete that video? he’s going to kill you, you know.”

“if he weren’t presumed dead, i’d have put it on burger king’s instagram story,” says noah matter-of-factly, and riam hides his face in alex’s stomach. with noah watching him from the front seat and riam in his lap, alex feels warm and safe. like the events from the year before hadn’t even happened, like he hadn’t spent so long just trying to feel anything but hollow. here in the car, surrounded by the two men he loves, alex laughs, and the sound feels warm in his chest. 

“you cocky asshole.”


	3. sunlight in dark corners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when alex feels like he's nothing but darkness, noah is there like sunlight to brighten up the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will never get over that one line in noah's ending. this shit: "the sunlight from outside shines where you lie, and i swing my hand for a long time in that light. it's warm and comfortable." like. oh god. i had to make sunlight a noah/alex prompt. it was mandatory

riam hadn’t even said much of anything, in the end. but alex is pissed anyway. isn’t that always how it goes? it’s the same tired old tale, day in and day out. people say that two broken teacups don’t make a set, but here they are. broken beyond repair, proclaimed dead by the government and operating underground. and sometimes, it all gets to be too much. and sometimes, alex snaps like they’re still strangers to each other.

“get out. get the  _ fuck _ out. i’m really going to fucking kill you.”

as much as alex wants to be a warm, sentimental person, he just isn’t. and all his life, he’s wanted to be someone warm, who feels like sunlight when they walk into the room. the kind of guy who can instantly put you at ease. someone comfortable. but he’s nothing like that. he’s sharp edges and jagged cuts and the screech of a caged animal. because right now, all he wants is to be strangers to riam. riam, who had been so cold to him in the beginning. riam, who had lied to him to keep him safe. riam, who had held him so tight that he’d escaped from the building without a scratch while riam had to go into rehab. it’s fucking unfair. the two of them are the same, so why does alex get to have a second chance? why does he have to live in debt to this shithead?

_ alex, one of your potted plants is diseased. shall i dispose of it? _

_ what? which one? _

_ the white lily. _

maybe that’s what this is about, in the end. not that it matters. all that matters is that he sees red, and when he launches himself at riam, it’s noah who drags him back. 

“alex, alex. hey, look at me.”

alex doesn’t respond. he just screams and struggles against noah’s grip.

“just breathe for a minute. zimmer, get out.”

and without a word, riam does, leaving alex to be cradled in noah’s arms. his throat feels raw and broken, tears suddenly flowing from his eyes. he’s weak, horribly weak, and right now, he needs noah, whose touch is so soothing that alex feels like spun sugar, feather-light and overly-sweet. he cries in noah’s arms for quite a while, a lump of tangled bodies on the floor.

it’s the white lily, alex thinks. how dare he? “i’m really going to kill him,” he mutters. 

and noah, precious noah with his warmth and love, cups the blond’s cheeks in both hands. “go ahead. it means i’ll have you all to myself, doesn’t it?” he smiles, somehow earnest and cheeky at the same time. it’s enough to make alex huff in disbelief, shove him gently away.

“asshole.”

“i know, i know. you chose us both.” when alex had lunged towards riam, noah had brought the both of them to the floor. now, he’s sitting right there like a puppy. it’s cute, alex thinks, and his cheeks grow warm despite himself. that only makes him smile wider, makes him rock slightly back and forth like an impatient child. “i don’t know what you see in him.”

alex shrugs at that, figuring that noah doesn’t really want to know. even if he did, the former agent isn’t sure he can say it. he can’t capture the way riam’s eyes make him feel, can’t put into words the instinct that grips him when he realizes the two of them are the same. he’s attracted to him and repulsed by him all at once.

but with noah, it’s simple. he’s never hated noah, not even once. he’s never wanted to spit in his face, has never wanted to betray him, has never wanted to pound his fists against his chest until they bleed. because ultimately, noah is nothing like him. he’s funny and outspoken, with a smile that melts hearts instead of a scowl that attracts all the wrong people. he’s bright and intelligent, and alex is crude and brooding. as much as alex hates himself, he has to love noah. because noah is all he’s ever wanted to be — and how could he not love that? how could he not want to be so close to that light, that life?

“what do you see in me?” he asks it like he’s reading alex’s mind, and the man comes in to peck the brunet softly at the corner of his mouth, lets his teary lashes brush against the other’s cheek.

“just your looks,” he says teasingly, and noah frowns like he’s really upset.

“that hurts, miller. that really hurts.”

and whether it hurts or not, miller laughs like a jackass and pulls noah close like a lover. he kisses his pouting lips until noah breaks into a smile, and somehow, it’s contagious. because darkness can’t exist when light is around. if noah’s the sun, then he’s shone light ever-so-gently into every crevice of alex’s shrouded soul. and somehow, without words, they connect. 

their hearts, their minds, their lips.


	4. my greatest wish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when riam, noah, and alex take a trip to the countryside, alex finds that he only wants to wish for one thing on a shooting star.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to priyanka for inadvertently reminding me to upload, otherwise i probably would have totally forgotten to post this. anyway... i'm emotional about post-canon. i really think alex would have a hard time adjusting to everything, and it just breaks my heart. this whole fic is just... it's going to be a lot of that :(

the sky looks better in the countryside. clearer, more vast. it puts things into perspective, alex thinks, and maybe that’s why riam had offered to drive all of them up here. his leg is still a little messed up, and he walks with a cane like an old man, but he can drive fine. and, besides, all three of them had agreed to drive in shifts, even if noah had been adamant about taking over for alex the minute he did so much as yawn. either way, they’d all made it here, and they’re bundled up and lying on the snow like they’re little kids. just staring up at the sky, where the stars glitter like diamonds. hailey would have loved this view, he thinks. artists always like beautiful things. 

alex shivers involuntarily, and he can see both riam and noah look at him from where they’re lying on either side of him. they’re both impossible, he thinks, but he doesn’t say anything on it. instead, he sighs. it’s soft, but it’s heavy.

noah shuffles closer and turns his head to touch the side of it to alex’s. “do you know any constellations?” he asks earnestly, and the blond sighs anew, like it’s really just the stupidest question he’s ever heard. (it’s not.)

“do i look like the sort of guy to know constellations?” he does know one, actually. he scans the sky for it, for  _ orion _ . the hunter. but he can’t see it at all. “they just look like stars to me.” it’s only then that he realizes that there’s been an echo, a lower sound than his own voice rumbling like an auditory shadow. it’s riam, he thinks instantly, and he looks to his other side, where riam is staring up at the sky. “what did you say?”

“that’s perseus.” riam repeats it solemnly, like he’s in a trance, and noah sits up indignantly. there they go again, alex thinks with a roll of his eyes. the two of them are like cats and dogs… except, he thinks, that they’re not. no, it’s more that noah’s a little barking dog, always trying to get the attention of his master, and riam is an old dog who keeps conceding to the energetic puppy.

so alex reaches his arm out and pulls on riam’s own, urging him silently closer. with a shadow of a smile, the older man concedes, and suddenly alex feels much warmer, surrounded by riam’s and noah’s body heat. “it’s difficult to map it out with just a finger, but he looks like a warrior carrying a sword. the neighbouring constellation is andromeda, which is fitting, considering the hero perseus was married to her.” and though it’s difficult, he does map it out. 

alex can’t say he sees it, but noah soon gasps and hits alex’s arm in excitement. “oh! i see it! look alex, he’s wearing a hat and has his arm out.” alex still doesn’t see it, but the energy subdues him. like he’s some sort of asshole who’s perpetually unhappy, some guy who can’t get over things that happened months ago. his breath comes out in clouds and disappears, and noah frowns and nuzzles in a little closer.

“a shooting star,” alex says suddenly. “that was one, wasn’t it? a shooting star.”

noah shifts and scans the sky for a moment. “i didn’t see it. but if you did, it’s not too late to make a wish.”

“i’m not gonna…” and alex trails off, because he realizes that riam’s been looking at him. silently. worriedly. and his throat constricts. both of them have noticed that he’s still not doing okay. both of them know that he’s bothered, and neither of them know why. and alex sighs out another puff of smoke like it’s a hit of nicotine, and he stares up at the sky. and he thinks.

_ i wish that i could bring hailey back from the dead. _


	5. they say gardens are a place of growth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alex spends time in his greenhouse, but he wonders if perhaps out of all the things that live there, he’s the only one that hasn’t grown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter... this chapter hurt me so much to write like. alex’s survivor guilt and just. and just. i had to put some reference to riam’s good ending in here, it was mandatory. im a riam enthusiast

snip. snip. snip. small bits of stems and leaves fall on the surface of the table, but alex doesn’t pay it any mind. it’s undeniably winter here, but riam’s paid a staggering sum of money to get alex a greenhouse where he can care for plants year-round. and though the blond would never admit it, it’s one of the biggest reasons why he  _ can _ get out of bed and putter around the house in the first place. he grows lilies and roses and any other flower he feels hailey would have liked. he’s never liked lilies, not really, but sometimes, he’ll water them with his tears. and normally, neither noah nor riam go near this place. but today, it’s different.

“what did you wish for?”

alex almost cuts the stem in half. it’s a blunt question in that voice that always seems to ask questions he doesn’t want to answer. riam seems to take up the entire doorway, apparently reluctant to cross the threshold into alex’s space. but the former agent waves his boyfriend in with a small frown, and he obliges. despite being such a big guy, riam’s footfalls are light, almost soundless as he approaches the flowerpots. he examines them carefully, as if he’s going to have any helpful critique. but it makes alex smile, seeing how he studies everything the blond does. he pays attention, close attention. there’s never a moment where alex doesn’t feel important, where he doesn’t feel  _ seen _ .

“it’s a good job you did,” riam says approvingly, and alex swats his arm. it won’t hurt, he knows it won’t hurt under that muscle, and he’s proven right when the older man merely smiles. “but you haven’t answered my question.”

“isn’t it bad luck to tell you what i wished for?” no, he doesn’t believe in superstition, but he finds himself ashamed when he thinks of it. it’s been a long time, and he feels he should have moved past it all. moved past his failure to save hailey. his failure to reconcile with aria. his failure to stay with logan. his selfishness has led him here, to this fucking paradise. but what’s a paradise when the path to it is littered with the dead?

riam places a hand gingerly on alex’s waist, and he freezes. immediately, the other man is pulling away, muttering an apology, and he sets the shears down and forces riam’s arms around him entirely. he smells like chlorophyll, his apron stained with green and a smudge of soil on his cheek, but riam doesn’t look disgusted at all. no, instead, his gaze softens and he looks tellingly nervous, like he’s on a first date instead of simply embracing his long-term lover. “it might be bad luck,” he says, so soft that alex almost misses it entirely.

so alex comes in and skims his lips just over riam’s in a way that makes the taller man sigh in a way that he’d surely be embarrassed about later. “but?”

“…but i’m curious.” he seems sheepish as he says it, and alex looks at him with his dark eyes. riam is a man with a strong jaw and coiffed hair, someone who looks like he has everything all together. whereas alex… alex isn’t sure what he looks like. when he looks in the mirror, he just sees a rat. a filthy rat, or a dog without a master. but riam wouldn’t look at someone like that with the amount of tenderness that he does.

“i wished for hailey to come back from the dead.”

riam is quiet, a rueful look on his face. and alex is tempted to lash out at him, tempted to call riam names and kick him out. but instead, he stays quiet too, rests his forehead against riam’s bicep and lets himself be held. even if it’s just for a second, sometimes he wants that. to be held. to be comforted, and safe.

“i wished to be able to speak to the director one last time.” that’s what riam says, and alex brings his hand up to cup riam’s face. it’s his turn to study his boyfriend, drinking in every detail of his face, of his expression, of his mournful eyes.

“ _ she _ doesn’t… she doesn’t  _ deserve _ it.” that’s what alex says, with his words coming out too sharp and his sentences stilted. how else can he sound when he thinks about what she did to him? about the wounds she’s inflicted on him? even if riam’s betrayed them all: his mother, his father, the director, grayson, aria — alex knows he still loves them. and that rips alex apart. that knowledge. riam will forgive anyone of anything, won’t he? “i’m sorry.”

“what?”

alex grits his teeth and forces it out, the apology he knows he needs to give. because as much as he doesn’t act like it, he loves riam. he loves him so much. “i’m sorry for saying i was going to kill you. it’s just that — hailey’s, her favourite flower was — ”

riam presses a soft kiss to alex’s forehead, and his voice cuts off with a clicking noise at the base of his throat. after all, in the end, alex is weak and violent and broken. and riam… riam’s a damn fucking fool for falling for him.

“i love you.” that’s what riam says, and alex’s breathing starts to stutter. because as much as riam can say it, as much as noah can say it, it sticks in alex’s throat, suffocating him. so he doesn’t respond, just hugs riam much tighter. as if he’s saying,  _ i love you too. i want to be better for you. i want to be everything you want. _

and when riam hugs him back, alex can feel his affection pouring into him. the words riam isn’t saying. words like,  _ i will always be by your side. i will always try my best for you. you are always going to be good enough for me. i know it’s difficult, but there’s no rush. i will spend eternity by your side. _

and the two of them embrace tightly, so tight that neither of them can pull away. alex is the one who cries first, and then it’s riam. but they say gardens are a place of growth, and surely, as their tears fall, it will water the gardens of their hearts. and eventually, alex thinks, eventually, flowers will bloom on his chest, and he’ll finally be full of life.

one day, he whispers silently to himself, and he rests his head in the crook of riam’s neck.


	6. messy kitchen, messy hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> while making a birthday cake for their boyfriend, riam and noah develop a mutual respect for each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly, i could make a whole spinoff fic about riam and noah slowly growing to respect and appreciate each other because they have a LOT in common. like, even just being into alex aside, they're super similar in a lot of ways and complement each other really well, so im just out here like. let them get along!!!!!!! im sick of them getting pitted against each other. let them rest. let them be at peace

noah wants to hate riam. but if he’s being honest, he doesn’t think he  _ does _ . not anymore. back when the two of them had first met? yeah, he hated riam. he hated that alex had put on the silk robes riam wanted him to. hated that alex could look noah so resolutely in the eye as he walked into riam’s bedroom. he hated riam for being able to touch alex, for  _ using _ alex’s love for logan so that he could own him as his personal sex doll. and even when he was working with riam, he’d always seen him as cold, as overly calculating. even if he was  _ right _ , even if noah  _ knew _ riam was right… he’d still hated him. now… he doesn’t know what he feels. zimmer’s caught feelings for alex — how could he  _ not? _ — and he’s been making an effort to be nicer to noah, probably in an attempt to stay in alex’s good graces.

so maybe young doesn’t hate riam anymore, and maybe he still carries a lingering resentment toward him, or some kind of jealousy. but most of the time, he just thinks the guy is pathetic. noah’s never gotten along with others, and even after a year of living with riam, he’s never been able to muster up anything other than pity for him.

but that’s not really true, is it?

maybe he’s just scared. scared that he’ll lose alex to this rich guy who showers him with expensive gifts. scared that alex will look at riam and the way he easily concedes to almost everything and he’ll think,  _ huh, i like that submissive attitude way more than i like noah’s teasing. _ and maybe he thinks back to how the building had collapsed so long ago and how he wasn’t even  _ there  _ to keep alex safe, to hold him tight and reassure him _. _ no, it was riam doing that, and noah had been burying logan, a guy he doesn’t know, a guy he’s barely even  _ met. _ he thinks about how alex knew what noah’s feelings were, but he went ahead and fucked riam anyway.

but noah doesn’t hate alex. he could never. they’d only spent a few days together, all those years ago, but those few days carried a kindness noah had never seen before. the stubborn sort of kindness, where you don’t leave them alone or just give them everything they want. it’s a fervent kindness, a passionate one, and noah’s always thought that alex is kind. that he’s  _ truly _ kind. that he sees things through until the end.

riam isn’t anything like that, he thinks stubbornly, even though he knows that he is. riam is the kind of guy who seems cold, who seems like a total bastard, but is always acting in the best interest of others. they’d worked together to save alex back when he was still with the cia, but neither of them had liked each other.

_ i’m not doing this because i like you. i just need you alive to rescue alex. so shut up and show me your wounds. _

_ you must really like him. miller. _

_ …you don’t? _

and riam had smiled then, because he’d looked at noah, and noah was smiling. it had been the first time they’d ever shared a smile. the thought doesn’t make noah feel as disgusted as it should have. he’s never played nice with others, has never liked them. but when he’d been forced to work with riam to save alex… it hadn’t felt as  _ bad _ as he thought it would. he remembers how riam had looked over his shoulder at the chess codes he was exchanging with alex, how he’d scolded him at first. and noah had been pissed, had wanted riam and logan to just shut the fuck up so he could work. but riam had listened. and riam had watched as alex said  _ i love you too _ . right there, easy as breathing.

and noah holds that moment close to his heart, but he knows that alex hasn’t ever said the same to riam. not even after a year. does riam hate noah for the same reasons that noah hates riam? because he’s scared that alex has only chosen the both of them because he couldn’t choose between them? that he’s still making up his mind? is it still a competition? because if it is, noah doesn’t intend to hold back.

he looks over to riam now, who’s wearing a lacy apron and studying the bowl of wet ingredients carefully. he doesn’t look like the same man who had ordered to have noah tortured until he’d lost consciousness. he doesn’t look like the ruthless guy who had strapped a bomb to alex’s neck. what he looks like, with his form-fitting shirt and dad calves and that stupefied look on his face… is a normal guy trying to bake a birthday cake for his boyfriend. a normal guy who had stuck his head into noah’s room that morning and brusquely told him to follow him, that it’s about alex. a normal guy who just wanted to include noah in this cake-baking instead of treating the whole relationship like a competition.

so who’s right? is it noah, who’s always fighting the urge to one-up the guy? or is it riam, who’s trying his best in his own way to show alex that they can all get along?

noah doesn’t know. he flicks some flour towards riam, watches him splutter and glare once he realizes what’s happening. and noah finds himself grinning before he catches himself, before he turns back at the dry ingredients he’s mixing with a scowl. “what are you so confused about? it’s just separating the egg whites.”

“i never — ” that’s how riam starts, but he sees the way noah’s eyes sparkle triumphantly and immediately bristles. “ — i’m not against learning how. i just don’t know what we are supposed to do with the yolks.”

“make an omelette?” noah scoffs out his response. “how is that my problem at all?”

he’d be lying if he said that he doesn’t expect riam to snap at him, to call him a yappy dog or tell him he needs to learn some manners. but riam doesn’t. he stays startlingly quiet, and noah remembers again how pathetic the man looks, with his frilly apron and his submissive attitude and the way he melts when alex does so much as look at him.  _ he doesn’t deserve it, _ noah thinks.  _ i got there first. _ but there’s no first or second, just last place, and noah’s been a genius for way too long to accept last place. that’s why his sharp mind is already formulating potential comebacks to whatever riam insults him with.

but then he says, “i’m sorry,” and noah is left speechless.

“what?”

“it strikes me that i’ve never apologized for having my men torture you.” riam takes a breath in, holds it as he looks at noah anxiously from the corner of his eye. “i had thought it was the most practical thing to do at the time, because alex had… almost died because of you. but upon watching you and alex together, i’ve come to realize that perhaps practicality is not the only thing to consider. there is also intention, and i know your intent was to help him, just as i intended to help him.” riam swallows, and picks an egg up gingerly from the carton. “and i admit i wasn’t being entirely practical, either. i was jealous of the way he looked at you, and of your shared history. i wanted to be important to him in just the same way. all of that is to say that i hurt you for selfish reasons, and i know now that i should not have done so.”

noah stares for what feels like an hour. he analyzes riam’s tone and finds nothing that suggests that he might be lying. no, he’s talked for way too long, said too many useless things, for it to all be a lie. zimmer is calculated, but he’s not good at feigning nerves. he’s not good at hiding them, either. and right now? the guy is sweating bullets. so the cryptographer finally sighs and takes the egg from riam. he cracks it against the side of the bowl, and the yolk breaks, bleeding into the wet ingredients. he stares at it for a second, shame blazing in his chest. isn’t he supposed to be  _ better _ than this? it’s riam, he decides, that’s thrown him off. and so he snaps at him. it’s revenge, plain and simple. 

“do you think you can just apologize and it’ll all be better?”

“of course not.” that stops noah short, forces him to eye the older man with suspicion. “i merely wanted to let you know that in the future, i plan to protect you just as i protect alex. continuously, whether you want me to or not. for you are important to alex, and therefore you are important to me.” and riam breaks another egg into the bowl, watching as his own yolk bleeds into the mixture as well. noah can’t tell if he’s done it on purpose or by accident, but he can’t help but stare as the two eggs they’ve broken slowly reach toward each other, mingling along with the rest of what they’ve made.

and noah finally sighs. “you’re a pathetic bastard. you know that, right?”

riam cracks a thin smile. back when riam’s wounds were deep and noah had treated them, noah’s smile had been contagious, spreading to riam’s lips. this time, it’s noah’s turn to catch a smile from riam. “i do.”

noah puts on some music as they work, and though riam doesn’t know any of the words, noah still sees him valiantly trying to hum along. and as the cake rests in the oven, riam cautiously flicks some flour over to noah. though the relationship between the two men is as messy as the kitchen right now, noah feels that maybe, just  _ maybe _ , riam isn’t as pathetic and pitiful as he’d thought.

maybe they’re both incredibly intelligent idiots, and their love for alex is what makes them so.


	7. dare to speak the truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one day, everything changes.

at the very beginning, when riam had been confined to a wheelchair after being wounded by logan, noah had been the one to nurse him. riam hadn’t ordered him to, hadn’t forced noah’s hand. but noah couldn’t just leave him there. not when riam would wake up in a cold sweat, when his lips would form the words,  _ miller, is he okay? _ before they could form any others. it reminded noah of himself. that he could be feverish, on the brink of infection, collapse, death,  _ whatever _ — but alex would always be his first thought.

nothing much has changed, in essence. when they were lying low to avoid the cia detecting them, alex had been in bed, riam had been in rehab, and noah had played nurse yet again.

_ you have to get rest, zimmer. _ he remembers saying that with a hefty sigh. riam had always kept trying to get out of bed, to check on alex and cook for him. it didn’t matter to zimmer that the doctor had told him to get rest, to be careful not to over-exert his leg. so whenever noah was firm about making sure he stayed in bed, zimmer would always look back at him with a scowl. but after dozens of scoldings, noah remembers that his expression had softened, that his eyes had taken on a wistful sort of look as he settled back into bed.

_ be sure that alex eats something. _

yeah, they’d fought, but their goal in the end was always alex’s happiness. whether it was from soft kisses noah would press to his lips and nose, or it was from a plate of steak prepared painstakingly by riam, they both wanted alex to be happy. and so they were able to work together.

but that isn’t just it either. he thinks about how he’d smirked while recording riam eating those whoppers, how attentively he’d listened to him when he pointed out where the stars were, how he’d thrown flour on riam and riam had thrown some flour right back. because somehow, without even knowing, noah’s gotten used to riam being around. and maybe he likes it.

so has noah never gotten along with his peers because they didn’t share the same goals? or had he just not been forced to spend enough time with them? he doesn’t think that’s it, not  _ really. _ because none of that explains why he and zimmer have been able to work together so well. because they  _ had _ been, even before the guy’s sudden apology on alex’s birthday. in the past, they’d always avoided each other, only interacted when absolutely necessary. they’d have spats sometimes, but… after the building’s collapse, after alex had chosen both riam and noah, it had never come down to violence between them. the worst it had gotten was verbal, but that’s only occasionally, when alex isn’t around to hear it. but they hadn’t just been fighting. they shared some nice moments sometimes. and if noah thinks about it… he actually enjoys riam’s presence sometimes. but now that riam’s apologized, things are different. more intentional. and he doesn’t know what to do.

noah doesn’t want riam to think that everything’s okay, because… well, is it? ever since that day, riam’s been doting on him almost as much as he does on alex. bringing him food, offering up gentle smiles, leaving him small gifts of chocolate and other sweets by his bedside. and to be honest, it’s all confusing. uncomfortable. no one’s ever truly  _ apologized _ to noah. not even alex.

… but what is he thinking about that for? he glares at the code on his screen and sighs in frustration. trust him to be totally unable to focus. he’d tried to repay zimmer ( _ why _ he wants to do that when riam is still  _ clearly _ in the wrong, he doesn’t know) by working in the same room as him. he’s curled up in the corner of an armchair, tapping away at his laptop, and riam is poring over his documents at the dining room table. and though neither of them are exchanging words, noah has a gut feeling that riam’s paying attention to the gesture. that he realizes what noah is doing, even if noah might not realize it himself.

he’s distracted. that’s what it all boils down to. normally, he’s able to tune out his surroundings as long as no one’s making any noise, but for some reason, it’s not working. he’s still acutely aware of riam’s presence, as if the lines of riam’s back are etched into his memory. no, it’s probably because he’d chosen the chair that’s angled towards the table, and riam is simply… there. right above the monitor of his laptop. and noah can’t focus, keeps noticing the way he moves his head, the way he instinctively frowns when something is confusing him. he notices how riam picks papers up instead of hunching over them, and before he realizes it, he’s noticing how riam smiles when he catches noah staring.

“am i distracting you?” 

the words are soft, sweet, so much so that noah has to force himself not to sigh in annoyance. he sets his laptop aside; he won’t be able to do work like this anyway. “why are you doing this? i saw you bought me coffee yesterday. and the day before, it was chocolates.”

riam is looking right at noah, with eyes that seem to pierce right through his tough exterior. he’s never asked alex what he sees in riam, but as he recalls the way alex flushes so deeply under the older man’s stare, noah’s starting to understand how it feels to be on the other end. because he’s telling himself that his heart is racing from adrenaline, from  _ anger, _ but is he really sure of that anymore? the thought is terrifying.

“i’m not trying to buy your apology,” riam clarifies with that same attentive look as always. “to be clear, i was just thinking of ways to help you just as i help alex.”

“well, i don’t need your help.” noah speaks like a defensive dog, standing up just so he can feel taller than the man who had once ordered for him to be tortured. because riam  _ had _ done that. riam, the same riam who lovingly cooks and bakes for his boyfriend, the same riam who buys small gifts for him and alex, the same riam who seems so hesitant and shy when he talks to alex… that same riam had heartlessly tortured him, had watched alex being pinned down by logan without batting an eye, had strapped a  _ bomb _ to alex’s  _ neck, _ for christ’s sake! he’s a psychopath, noah thinks firmly, and he tries not to think about how his throat feels dry when he looks at the man’s earnest face.

riam frowns and abandons his work entirely, and noah feels even smaller under the full force of riam’s stare. does he realize how intense it is? is he trying to intimidate noah? ever the fighter, noah doesn’t stand down. no, instead he marches closer to riam, cuts him off when he tries to speak. “alex might have taken pity on you, but i’m not going to fall for your crap. not your gifts, your apologies, or that face you’re making right now. i’m sick to death of your submissive attitude. stop pretending you’re not the asshole who had me tortured. stop pretending you didn’t buy alex with that double-sided coin he wears around his neck. just stop it.”

those eyes that had once glittered with such chilly heat are staring at noah, wide and lost and confused. and it makes his heart feel like it’s going to beat out of his chest. “i, i didn’t — ”

“how do you know what coffee i drink, or what kinds of chocolate i like? did you go through my records? did you torture my parents for information? do you think i don’t know how dangerous you are?”

“i watched you.” riam doesn’t say it with the usual chilly tone to his words. he says it softly. vulnerably. and noah feels like he’s going to burst. “i’ve wanted to get along with you for quite some time. because i respect you. that’s why i’ve decided to put in more of an effort for you.”

_ in the future, i plan to protect you just as i protect alex. continuously, whether you want me to or not. for you are important to alex, and therefore you are important to me. _

noah’s heart leaps up to his throat as he remembers, as he starts to realize the extent of riam’s feelings for him.  _ i’m not doing this because i like you. _ how often has he told zimmer that? every time he nursed him back to health, every time he made sure the guy didn’t overwork himself. he always said that, because he’d always thought it was true. he just needed zimmer alive and healthy for alex’s happiness. how much had his cold attitude hurt zimmer? how fucking  _ long _ has he felt like this? he’d always thought that maybe, these gestures were riam’s way of doing the same. that he was just trying to show alex that they could get along. but somewhere along the way, the two of them had started to enjoy each other’s company. and somewhere along the way, noah started to feel… 

his face is definitely red, and he hates himself for it. 

“you — ” but he doesn’t know how to continue. he’s at a crossroads. wanting to tell the truth, but not being able to. and as he finds himself staring at riam’s face, at his overly-expressive eyes, he finds that he doesn’t have the courage. but he can do one thing. and as he starts to yank riam forward by the fabric of his shirt, he finds himself staring at his lips. wondering what it might be like to kiss them. and he feels, for a split second, the feeling of his eyes closing in anticipation.

“ _ assholes. _ how many times have i told you two not to fight?”

noah’s eyes fly open with shock. that’s  _ alex’s _ voice. and before he realizes what’s happening, riam’s punched him in the stomach. he topples to the floor, glaring up at the man he’d almost kissed. riam’s dusting off his clothes with a convincing frown, saying, “that snippy punk wrinkled my shirt.” but after alex turns away, muttering something about breakfast, noah realizes riam is smiling apologetically in his direction. 

and that’s when it all clicks.

riam’s protecting him. that punch in the stomach was the only way he could prevent the truth about noah’s feelings from coming to light before he’s ready to share them. and, despite himself, noah finds himself with more and more to think about. about being ready. about the truth, and about daring to disclose it.

“would you like a latte?” riam’s asking it with a careful look in his eye, with that stupid apron tied around his waist. “i’ll put in plenty of cream.”

and when noah opens his mouth to respond, he realizes that riam’s eyes are more than just careful. they’re affectionate, apologetic, attentive — so much so that noah finds his words catching in his throat. so he just shakes his head in response, avoids riam’s gaze that’s so filled with sincerity.

after all, no one ever says anything when it’s important.


	8. forehead on fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when alex is sick, his boyfriends are always there for him. but they don't always work in unison. at least, not until today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, i've decided that noah and riam are gonna be mythology geeks together. also happy birthday alex miller i love y

alex breaks down so easily. his emotions, his stony façade, his heart… they all break so easily. he remembers how he had crumpled to the ground at the very sound of logan’s voice, back then. he remembers how his body used to react the second he felt fingers ghosting across his skin. he remembers how easy it was — how easy it  _ is? _ — for people to use him. to cripple him.

_ how do you make sure a footless bird doesn’t land? you set the forest on fire. _

he remembers the way aria had glared at him, how she’d told him that she’d trusted him this whole time. that he’d ruined everything she was planning. as if anything she planned would matter if hailey were dead. he sees her in his mind’s eye, fuzzy at the edges and sobbing in the forest. he remembers the gunshot. there hadn’t even been blood on his hands, but does it matter? he remembers how she crumpled at his feet.

and he wakes up screaming. 

it’s then that he realizes that his throat is raw, that his nose is plugged up and his vision is blurry. hot tears run down his flushed cheeks, and he immediately feels a hand on his cheek, wiping the tears away. the hand is large and solid against his skin, but he can’t think straight even with that as a grounding point. “…o… gan?”

“riam,” he hears zimmer gently correct him, and noah appears anxiously in his sight carrying some hot tea. “you’re in your room. you’re completely safe.”

that’s not really what alex is worried about at the moment, but he knows somewhere in the back of his mind that riam is just trying his best to help the blond feel comfortable. it’s the only way he knows how. it’s the same words that perhaps riam’s always needed to hear, the words no one ever says to him.

“aria,” alex whispers, and he turns to hide his eyes against zimmer’s hand. “my sister.” he knows aria is dead. he remembers how he’d whispered to her, told her to sleep well in her eternal slumber. that doesn’t mean he doesn’t still see her in his dreams, that she doesn’t hiss at him to burn in hellfire. maybe that’s what he’s doing right now. burning.

in all honesty, alex hates being sick. he hates being sweaty, hates being confined to bed, hates the dizzy nauseous feeling that always seems to accompany a high fever. and he hates the way riam and noah are looking at him. he squeezes his eyes more firmly shut; he’s not even looking, but he knows they’re both staring at him like he’s on the table for an open-heart surgery. but there’s no surgeon hovering over him, just the persistent guilt. the pervasive sense of depression.

and in his sickness, all he really wants is someone to hold him close, someone to be by his side. so alex sniffles and reaches one hand feebly out, then the other. he clings to the fabric of riam’s shirt with both hands, and riam laughs gently and settles himself into bed beside alex. he combs his fingers through alex’s hair, brushing the sweat-damp locks off his forehead. but alex isn’t calm with just this. he remembers that noah is here too, and he restlessly kicks around in bed until he’s scrambled up into a position where he can see past riam and over to noah.

noah looks sad, alex thinks decisively. and why wouldn’t he be? he always looks sad when alex pays attention to riam. but now that he thinks about it, noah seems a little different. a little less sad, and a little more awkward. but he’s been awkward for the last few days. ever since alex had caught them fighting. a brief glimpse of an idea flickers to the front of his mind, but he can’t pin it down. his nose feels stuffy, and he decides to reach out more decisively to noah. he’s thinking about noah, after all.

the warm brown-eyed gaze noah always carries flickers nervously to riam, and the bigger man shifts to allow noah to reach out for alex’s hand. noah grasps it quickly, desperately, the way alex is used to. maybe if alex weren’t sweltering, burning up with delirium, he might have just gone red. but in this state, all he can do is smile. “love you.”

he lets out a shaky little laugh in response, and his eyes dart awkwardly to riam again. what’s wrong with him? he’s never been so self-conscious around the older man. if anything, he’s more daring around him, always yapping at him like an annoyed puppy. but if he’s so uncomfortable, then alex thinks he should probably do something. “go away, riam,” is what alex decides.

“no, it’s fine.” noah says it quickly, and alex notices that his cheeks flush red when he does. that thought that’s been skirting around alex’s head comes back full force, but all he can think coherently is  _ noah… noah. _ something about noah that he’s thinking, something about noah that’s a little different. something about noah.

and that very noah he’s been thinking of comes into bed with him in all his soft sweaters and the hair that tickles alex’s cheek. it feels nice and comfortable, just like riam’s hand had been. they’re both on either side of him — noah snuggling up to his chest and riam still brushing back his hair. alex expects noah to start talking first; he’s never been good at tolerating silence. but, surprisingly, it’s riam who speaks next.

“aquarius. do you know the story behind that constellation?”

“yeah.” noah’s the one who responds in lieu of alex, and the blond quickly shuts his mouth to look attentively at his boyfriends. after all, it’s nice to not be the one who talks. “it’s about ganymede, the cupbearer to the gods, right?”

“that’s right.” 

riam’s voice is so warm and approving that it makes alex’s heart flutter, even if the words aren’t directed towards him. then, he stands, placing a gentle kiss on the top of alex’s forehead before trying to leave. he’s saying something about getting some hot water, or some food, or something, but alex whines and tries to grab his arm. he’s never been a clingy kind of guy, and he knows that riam’s going to be confused. but right now, all he wants is  _ both _ of his boyfriends. “who’s gay… ganymede?”

“he was an extremely handsome man.” that’s how riam starts, with the sort of sound like he’s about to tell a story. alex settles in quietly, pulls noah closer as if the man is a teddy bear or a comfort object. but noah doesn’t mind. he never does. meanwhile, riam settles awkwardly back beside alex, exchanging a glance with noah as he does.

but before he can continue the story himself, noah jumps in with the rest. “he was a shepherd, and one day, he caught zeus’s eye. maybe because he was so hot, but i don’t know.”

riam chuckles in response, continues the story in his low, lulling tones as he traces alex’s hairline with attentive fingers. “ganymede became a cupbearer to zeus, who was so grateful for his service that he made him a constellation in his honour.”

normally, alex might have said,  _ so what? _ he might have sighed and shaken his head and told riam that there’s no use in stories like that. but right now, he wants to feel like a child, wants to claim the feeling of safety that had always been so unknown to him. so, when he speaks, his voice is soft. “am i the cupbearer?”

“you’re zeus.” riam and noah say it at the same time, and immediately grow a bit flustered. but that just makes alex smile broadly, makes his eyes glint merrily. he likes this, likes the humour of the two of them being able to agree on something. actually, it makes him feel safe. really safe.

hasn’t he always worried that one of them would storm out? that they’d get tired of sharing and biting each other’s heads off and just… give up? or maybe he’s worried about something worse. maybe he’s worried that both of them will put up with each other when all they want to do is pull out a gun and shoot the other dead. maybe he’s worried that his whole relationship is exactly what riam and noah despise, that they’re just trying to make the best of what they consider a bad situation. maybe he’s scared that his relationship is a forest on fire, and that he has to keep flying without letting himself find a place of refuge.

but hearing them talk, finish each other’s sentences and be so considerate of each other… an idea starts to come back up. he starts thinking,  _ noah… something’s different between riam and noah. _ it’s respect, isn’t it? and it warms his heart to see.

“gimme a kiss,” he says, and just the thought of it is making him burn hotter. “one on each cheek, okay?”

and riam and noah exchange a glance before leaning in in tandem and kissing alex’s cheeks. he responds by bringing them both in closer, letting them be two sides of a sandwich pressing alex between them. their warmth makes alex shiver, and he ends up passing out right there, smothered in riam’s chest with noah’s arm slung over his waist. and as he sleeps, noah’s and riam’s eyes meet. it’s noah who speaks, a whispered request in the dimness and the sickness of the room.

“hey… can we talk about what happened between us?”


	9. predator, prey, promotion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> riam and noah have a whispered conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had originally planned for this chapter to be in noah pov but then i thought.... ok...... hot take here......... what if i put it in riam pov. i think it came out really nicely so im glad for it

riam was once nothing more than prey, a young boy whose only purpose was to be bought and sold. and once he’d escaped that life, he made a vow. some part of him knows that he’ll always end up back in that state, a dirty slave calling for his master like a child calls for his mother. the kind of man who’s kicked around, hated, spat on. but he vows to himself that this situation would never happen to him against his will ever again. because he’s sure it will happen, but at the very least, this way he can be in control.

and if there’s ever a time that he doesn’t want to cede control… then he’ll become a predator. he’ll become ruthless, do whatever he needs to do in order to secure his goals. the road he walks is soaked in blood — his father’s, his mother’s, the director’s, logan’s… everywhere he walks is stained with scarlet. he used to be prey, but he’s nothing more than a predator now.

but when he’d met alex, things had began to change. he’s sure he was still a predator, still self-imposed prey, but he’d begun to develop goals outside of himself. he knows what it’s like to be abandoned by the cia, after all. and because of that, his heart went out to alex. and in some small part… to noah as well. though his main interest lay with alex, who was under immediate threat, he knew that young was being deceived as well. whoever his sponsor was, whatever story they told him… they were withholding the truth. because the cia doesn’t vow to protect its agents. it only does so as long as it’s convenient. and once it’s not? they’re outcasted or put to death.

_ young is not your saviour. he’s simply your companion on the path to hell. _ he hadn’t been lying then, but he would never have predicted that things would turn out the way they did. that he’d be living with the man, that he’d start paying close attention to him. that he’d watch him. at first, it was an attempt to get along with him for alex’s sake. but somehow, somewhere along the line… he’d wanted to be closer to noah. he wanted to be looked at with that same sort of brilliant affection that he seemed to reserve for miller. of course, he doesn’t deserve it. he never has. he’s nothing more than an old man, a predator with perverted taste. he sees the way alex looks at him. he hears the way noah refers to him. in a sense, it would be easier if they rebuked him for his callous attitude or for his decision to stick around even when he’s not wanted or loved. but for them to mock him about his sexual taste, to call him perverted in the way they do…

…well, he  _ had _ played to that aspect to shock and scandalize alex, right at the beginning. it was the easiest way to conceal his true motives, and he stands by that. but it hurts that it’s carried over even now. even here. though miller himself has chosen other words to describe riam these days, when it comes to noah, it’s always the same.

_ perverted asshole. _

and it would be a bold-faced lie if riam claimed that it doesn’t hurt him. after all, he does care what young thinks of him. perhaps not before, but certainly now. and perhaps that’s why he’s been following him like a puppy, offering small favours here and there, making him coffee or leaving dinner for him. he’s trying not to be too obvious or heavy-handed — after all, he hasn’t any real confirmation about how noah feels about him, and he’s not keen on using their interrupted almost-kiss as evidence. he wants noah to want him. of course he does. but he believes somewhere deep down that even that simple wish is predatory.

so he waits. and he bides his time. and after a few days, when the two of them are lying on either side of alex’s pillow, noah whispers to him. “can we talk about what happened between us?”

_ of course we can.  _ he wants to say it, but nerves stick the words to his throat. funny, how he can shoot a man dead without flinching, how he can crush someone’s head under the heel of his shoe, how he can withstand and dole out such extreme torture that it’ll make one black out… but how a simple conversation like this makes his heart race with anxiety. 

and noah laughs softly and turns on his side to watch riam properly — he sounds so much like miller in that moment, and riam wonders if he knows that, if he knows how similar the two of them are despite coming from such different backgrounds. if noah knows that he radiates sunshine just as miller does. if noah knows how much of an effect he has on riam. “don’t look so scared. i’m not going to kill you while alex is snuggled up to you.”

this makes the chairman relax despite himself. even after everything, this is noah. the same man who had nursed him back to health not once, but twice. the man who had stood by his side, even if it was for his own motives. their interests align, and they always will, so there’s no need to worry. “so, are you saying you would kill me some other time?”

“if i could — ” noah starts, and then trails off with a somewhat disturbed furrow to his brow. riam watches his brows, tries to memorize its details before the sound of the other man’s voice brings him back to the moment. “…i’d have killed you before alex started caring about you. now? if i shot you right here, he’d never forgive me.”

“i’m sure he would.” the words are out before riam can stop them, and he forces himself to swallow hard. “i’ve seen the way the two of you interact with each other. loving you comes second nature to him.”

“does that make you jealous?”

“more than you know.” the answer is honest and earnest. it comes easily to him, readily. as duplicitous as riam can be, he’s a pragmatist above all, and there’s no inherent benefit to lying here. if there’s anything zimmer is good at, it’s being honest about his own feelings. when he’s jealous, he’s jealous. and when he wants someone, he wants them. to him, it’s as simple as that. even if he does have other insecurities, they don’t stop him from vocalizing his feelings. it’s only when the truth may hurt others or get in the way of his goals that he conceals it.

that honesty, as he predicts, moves young. noah sighs a little, looks at riam a bit more carefully. that doesn’t bother the man; he simply looks right back at him. it strikes him that they’re not looking into each other’s eyes. noah seems to be focusing on the apple of his cheek, and riam himself is focusing on noah’s hand cupped over his ear. it’s safe like this, he thinks. safe and comfortable.

“if it’s unclear,” riam says, “i want you.” the admission makes noah’s cheeks redden, but he ignores that and continues his speech. “i’d like to always be by your side. continuously, whether you want me there or not. securing your safety and happiness is important to me, and…” and he’s fine if noah doesn’t reciprocate. why would he fall in love with a predator, a man who takes up far too much space in a room, a perverted asshole who tortures others with a chilly heat in his eye? but honesty is paramount here, and that’s why he steels himself and speaks anew. “…whether you reciprocate or not, i will always stay beside you and alex. i just wanted to make my intentions on that matter clear.”

“yeah,” noah says, and there’s a hint of bitterness in his voice as his warm eyes dart away from riam’s steady gaze. he can’t help but wonder why his voice sounds like that, why he would be so bitter and resentful. but he doesn’t know, and noah isn’t revealing that information. “you’re always making your intentions clear.”

“is that a bad thing?”

“it makes me feel like the asshole.”

and riam smiles, sensing an opportunity to crack the kind of wry joke that noah seems so fond of. “aren’t you?”

noah watches him with the beginnings of a smile playing on his lips. he inches a little closer, runs his hand with ginger affection down alex’s side. “yeah. maybe a little bit.”

and riam reaches his hand out, hesitant and sweet. “may i?” noah nods, and the older man gently cups his cheek. the touch isn’t sexual or rough, not in the kind of way one might expect from a pervert or a predator. instead, his touch radiates warmth, the sort of hesitant adoration that one would expect from a kicked puppy. “i will never force myself upon you.”

“who says you’re forcing me?” the words are so soft that riam almost misses them entirely, but when he registers them, his cheeks go pink. there it is again — that feeling in the pit of his stomach, that nervous feeling. anxiety, butterflies… feelings he hadn’t thought he could feel before alex, and feelings he didn’t think he’d ever feel again.

he tries for some courage, tries not to wither under noah’s knowing smirk. he has to do something, has to be decisive in these moments. “then…?” 

perhaps noah nodded with the expectation of receiving a kiss, judging from the way he leans in closer in breathless anticipation. but riam doesn’t indulge him in that. not when miller is between them, sleeping peacefully with no knowledge of his boyfriends’ shared feelings. instead, he reaches over and clasps noah’s hand in his larger one, smiles shyly at him.

in these moments, riam isn’t sure if he can be called a predator or if he should be considered prey. but perhaps, right now, he’s neither. perhaps, in the softness and sweetness of this moment, he can be promoted to riam zimmer, a man who is loved.


	10. act of contrition, act of confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> riam and noah have a confession for alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there it is.... the ending. it's all done. god, this whole fic has been such a wild ride for me, im so emotional about these three... there's so much more i want to write for them, but alas, both this fic and december are coming to a close :( but there's always the future, where i can write prompts that are more detailed and not under a time crunch
> 
> i hope you all enjoyed this fic as much as i've enjoyed writing it!

riam zimmer is a steady rock, always strong and reliable. sure, he’s stubborn, but he’s also the guy who makes elaborate plans, who has the know-how to handle any situation. he’s intelligent and brilliant and a good man at heart. 

noah young is a lifeboat… maybe a little rickety at times, but always equipped with a life jacket. he gets tossed around by wave after wave, but never wavers in his real purpose… to save people from drowning. in the storm, he’s a safe refuge.

and alex? alex is water. the same water that erodes the stubborn cliff and tosses around the boat sitting atop him. but despite the choppiness of the waves, its tendency to hurt those around it, both the cliff and the boat don’t go anywhere. 

he’s always thought that if the boat collided with the cliff, the wood would splinter and be washed away. that’s why alex has always worried for noah, has always tried to protect him and the sunshine he exudes. he doesn’t think riam is dangerous, but he can’t help but think that zimmer doesn’t have the same compassion for noah as he does for alex.

when did he start being proven wrong? when did he start seeing noah and riam greet each other at the door when one comes home from work and the other is setting out for a morning jog? when did their barbs grow more lighthearted than mean-spirited? and as alex sits on the couch half-watching a movie he and hailey had once seen at the late-night theatre, he can’t help but look back occasionally. after all, his boyfriends are whispering pretty damn urgently to each other, and the former agent can’t help but perk his ears up to listen as discreetly as possible.

_ “ … not yet, he’s gonna … ” _

_ “ … expect to tell … ” _

and, silent as the grave, alex focuses his stare on a single spot on the wall, tuning into their conversation like a radio tunes into a channel. 

_ “ … i just feel guilty.” _

guilty? that’s noah’s voice, he knows it, and his heart starts to break despite itself. but before he can decide whether he should butt in or not, he feels a weight settle itself next to him on the couch. it’s zimmer, that heavy bastard, and alex sighs and leans his back against the guy. noah sits on alex’s other side with those puppy eyes of his, but his expression brightens as soon as alex swings his legs onto his lap.

“come here,” alex says, beckoning noah over, and plants a sweet kiss on his lips. “what do you look so worried about?” and noah rests his head on alex’s chest, melts under the sweet fingers brushing his hair out of his eyes. come to think of it, alex has changed too. he’s a cold person. a frigid person. the kind of person who doesn’t belong in a relationship, let alone with someone so warm and comfortable. noah looks at him with those beady, earnest eyes, and he sighs and rakes a hand through the other’s brown hair. “you’re not gonna tell me?”

“i’m sorry. i get nervous.” it’s so sweet of an answer that alex can’t help but smile affectionately. that little bastard he’d met during training is virtually unrecognizable now. not that that’s a bad thing… no, noah young is cute. really cute. and the longer alex looks at him, the cuter he gets. his cheeks start to glow pink, his warm eyes darting away from alex’s steady blue ones. “w-why are you looking at me like that?”

but alex doesn’t respond. he just keeps looking, keeps smiling. and eventually, noah sighs and glances at riam behind them. “aren’t you going to tell him?”

miller cranes his neck around to look at the sharp line of his boyfriend’s nose. “huh? huh? you know what’s going on with this guy?”

“of course.” riam smiles slyly, eyes glinting with a mischief that alex is sure he must have picked up from noah. “you mean you don’t?”

“no shit,” alex shoots back. “he won’t tell me.”

noah scrambles up to straddle alex’s lap, and his hand unthinkingly braces against riam’s lower stomach. though he removes it quickly, it doesn’t escape alex’s notice. and things start to click into place. the way alex felt riam’s body tense under him and the way noah’s eyes had widened in panic. maybe he doesn’t even need a confession. maybe he already knows.

“i wouldn’t hide anything from you, alex.” noah’s voice is dripping with honey and nerves, electric like something alex wants to lick up from his lips. “i just wanted to ask you a favour.” riam chuckles; alex can feel his steady frame shake as he does. noah scowls — oh, there’s their old dynamic back again — and continues. “so, zimmer and i were talking, and… oh, shut up! do  _ you _ want to be the one to tell him?”

riam’s been holding back laughter for a while now, one beefy hand clapped over his mouth. “i wouldn’t be laughing had you not told me that you didn’t need to practice what to say.” but he does give young a daring look, one that makes alex’s cheeks flush instinctively. “shall i tell him, then?”

noah’s cheeks are flushed too, and he firmly nuzzles into the crook of alex’s neck, just like an annoyed little kid. “i don’t know what you see in him, alex. i don’t — i don’t know why you’d ever fall for him.”

alex presses a reassuring kiss to his shoulder and grins wickedly. “huh, maybe the same reason you did?”

as expected, noah rockets back and stares wide-eyed at his boyfriend. “you — you — how long did you — ?”

“oh, so i’m right?” alex pulls away from riam, holds noah in his lap as he brushes his nose against the brunet’s. “…but, i won’t believe you unless you prove it to me.” he moves back, takes in how flustered noah looks before he gestures to riam. “go on. kiss him.”

alex knows from experience that riam likes to pretend he’s put together. he likes to put his hand on his chin and smirk, because… well, the guy had told him back when they’d first met.  _ keep being proud. it’ll be all the more humiliating for you when you kneel down. _ and riam places his hand on his chin and smiles over to noah, and alex tries to figure out what the sight inspires in him. is he happy? jealous?

and he watches as his sunshine uncertainly moves over, as he stands in front of riam. the chairman is so much bigger than him, and for a second, alex thinks to call back his dare. “you don’t have to,” riam whispers, and the way he looks at noah is confirmation enough of their mutual feelings. but noah shakes his head and advances, and the pit in alex’s stomach grows. he watches as noah places both hands on riam’s chest. as he crumples riam’s clothes in his hand. and as he roughly pulls the man toward him.

the kiss is passionate, desperate, the kind of kiss that’s so full of emotion that it can’t possibly be faked. every time riam tries to take over the kiss, noah bites his lip or his tongue, forces himself back into the dominant position. and riam’s left weak, his strong arms gathering noah up and pulling him closer… closer.

and alex picks up a throw pillow and smacks it hard against riam’s arm. it can’t have hurt at all, not like a riding crop or a belt would, but he can see how his body convulses in response, how it throws noah off his groove and makes his panicked eyes dart downwards. and alex smacks noah too, just for good measure, and throws the pillow aside. 

noah’s breathless, guilty, and he starts trying to explain himself, trying to get back in alex’s good graces. “i didn’t mean… alex, i…”

but he doesn’t need to do anything. he’s never even fallen out of alex’s good graces, and he doubts he ever will. alex just needed to see them, needed to confirm their feelings, needed to confirm his own. and he’s decided that all of this… even if it’s confusing, complicated… all of this is worth it if it means his partners are happy. but he doesn’t say any of that. he just smirks and says, “no, it’s good. maybe both of you will leave me alone sometimes.”

after all, no one ever says anything when it’s important.

“so… we have your approval?” riam’s way of asking is so stilted, like a man asking his father for his blessing on a marriage. alex can’t help but roll his eyes in response.

“yeah. like i said, maybe you’ll get some of that affection out instead of slobbering it all over me when i’m trying to sleep.”

“zimmer’s the one who slobbers,” noah cuts in, levelling those puppy eyes at alex again. and that’s how the confession goes — noncommittal, nonchalant, and with alex sandwiching himself between his boyfriends and instructing them to keep quiet while he watches the movie. and they do, but they don’t keep their hands to themselves. first, it’s noah slinging his arm around him. then, it’s riam’s hand heavy on his leg. noah giving him a massage. riam inching close enough that their hips touch.

“i’m not following the plot,” riam frowns, his voice rumbling beside alex. and usually, noah doesn’t respond to statements like that, but he launches into an explanation so detailed that alex can’t help but doubt that this is his first time watching it. 

if riam is a steady rock and noah is a bobbing lifeboat, if alex is the waves that house them both, then it means that none of them can live without the other. a lifeboat can’t float without water. it can’t be moored without sand. and sand can’t be made without the connection of rocks and water. and as he sits sandwiched between his boyfriends, he can’t help but think… that this must be what it’s like to be embraced by both the light and the dark.

this must be what it’s like to feel whole.


End file.
